Connect – I Heart Intelligence.com https://iheartintelligence.com Thu, 09 Jun 2016 13:09:43 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.7.5 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=wp-content/uploads/2019/05/cropped-IHI-square-32x32.png Connect – I Heart Intelligence.com https://iheartintelligence.com 32 32 Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=toxic-relationships/ Thu, 09 Jun 2016 13:09:43 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=18601 The post Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships

I don’t like to brag, but over decades of personal research I have become somewhat of an expert on bad relationships. Although I am in a happy marriage now, I can definitely check each one of these off my list of ex-lovers. Some true winners even fit into more than one category. Here, for your […]

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The post Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships

Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships

I don’t like to brag, but over decades of personal research I have become somewhat of an expert on bad relationships. Although I am in a happy marriage now, I can definitely check each one of these off my list of ex-lovers. Some true winners even fit into more than one category.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are six kinds of toxic relationships. I’m sure there are more, but I am only one woman.

The One-Sided Love Affair

Ah, unrequited love – fuel for poetry, music, and bad relationships everywhere. One person is desperate to make it work, clinging to their deeply held personal image of a connection that does not exist in reality. The other person may seem cruel, cold, and callous – but more likely they are just clueless and uninterested. It doesn’t really matter, because whatever their reasons, their partner is going to end up heartbroken when they wake up to the fact that they’re in it alone. If you are the taker in a relationship like this, the kind thing to do is to let them down gently. If you are the giver, as hard as it is, you need to stop giving right now. Either the object of your affection will miss you and start giving you the attention and care that you deserve, or, more likely, they will disappear and leave you free to pursue someone who will reciprocate your affections. Either way, you win.

The Idolized Infatuate

Do you put your partner up on a pedestal? It might be time to let them down, or let them loose. Idealizing your partner gives you unrealistic expectations of the relationship, and does not give them the freedom to be human. The pressure to be perfect can be suffocating, and it may be keeping your partner from opening up to you about their fears and insecurities – the very things that they need you to be there through. Let your significant other know that you embrace their flaws, and they will be more inclined to share them with you. This will allow you to connect on a much deeper level and build a more sincere and trusting relationship.

The Unforgiving Union

We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Failing to forgive breeds distrust, resentment, the inclination to punish, and a good reason to lie – quickly pushing you into one of the categories below. If your partner has done something truly unforgivable, you need to end the relationship. If it’s something you can get past, however, you need to make a sincere effort to work through the problem – don’t hold onto it just to hold it over their head later.

The Distrustful Duo

If you do not trust your partner, you will spend the entirety of your relationship feeling scared and insecure. If you do not have your partner’s trust, you will be forever walking on eggshells, never feeling good enough or strong enough. Either way, the relationship is doomed unless you learn to build some trust. If you can do that, your love will be built on a firm foundation of security and solidarity, and your home will feel peaceful and emotionally safe. Everyone needs a person to fall into once in awhile and you need to be sure that your partner is willing and able to catch you when that moment inevitably comes.

The Punishing Pair

You should never be scared of your significant other. If your relationship includes any kind of punitive behavior, it is time to get out of it. This includes physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, as well as less harmful behaviors that indicate the intent to penalize your partner for their conduct. These can include finding ways to “get back at” them, withholding affection as a means of control, or spending money excessively out of spite. If you are intentionally hurting one another, you are not working through your problems constructively and acting as a team. It may feel therapeutic, but punishing your significant other can damage your relationship beyond repair.

The Lying Lovers

If you are lying to your partner, then you are not only making it impossible for them to trust you – you are also putting up a wall. Partners who keep big secrets from one another are not able to connect on a truly deep level, because they can never know who their significant other really is. A need to hide the truth also indicates that you are engaging in behavior your partner would find unacceptable. If you value your connection, you have no choice but to come clean. Let your guard down, and tell your partner who you truly are. Your lover might surprise you and stick around to build a more honest and open connection. If they run, they were never meant for you anyway.

If any of these apply to you, you have two choices: fix it, or RUN. Either way, I wish you the best of luck in reaching your happy ending!

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Five Ways to Cultivate Resilience https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=resilience/ Thu, 05 May 2016 14:17:01 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=17329 The post Five Ways to Cultivate Resilience appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Five Ways to Cultivate Resilience

Resilience is like a neglected muscle group – totally ignored until we need it, and then stressed to its limit seemingly without warning. If we are not ready to use it, the pain can be severe. Unlike our muscles, however, there is not a widely known exercise (and, in fact, entire industry) devoted to maintaining […]

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The post Five Ways to Cultivate Resilience appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Five Ways to Cultivate Resilience

Five Ways to Cultivate Resilience

Resilience is like a neglected muscle group – totally ignored until we need it, and then stressed to its limit seemingly without warning. If we are not ready to use it, the pain can be severe. Unlike our muscles, however, there is not a widely known exercise (and, in fact, entire industry) devoted to maintaining its strength.

Psychology Today defines resilience as the ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. As Dean Becker, the president and CEO of Adaptiv Learning Systems, puts it: “More than education, more than experience, more than training, a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds and who fails. That’s true in the cancer ward, it’s true in the Olympics, and it’s true in the boardroom.” Resilience is universally regarded as a crucial ingredient in success, happiness, and even basic survival.

We can all agree on the importance of resilience – but how do we cultivate this quality in ourselves and our children?

Learn to Laugh

Maurice Vanderpol, a former president of the Boston Psychoanalytic Society and Institute, found that many mentally healthy concentration camp survivors had developed what he called a “plastic shield.” A vital component in this shield was the presence of a sense of humor, even if it was black humor, regarding not only everyday life but also their trauma. Laughing at your struggles may be difficult at first, but learning to do so could provide a welcome sense of relief in darker times.

Connect with Others

People who have strong bonds with their family and friends are usually more resilient. This is partially because they have more people to lean on, and partially because of the role that our social connections have in our mental and emotional health. Establishing regular family dinners now may help you to build a mightier, more resilient tribe over time.

Meet the World on Your Own Terms

Developmental psychologist Emmy Werner followed a group of six hundred and ninety-eight children from before birth through their third decade of life. She found that one of the most crucial differences between the resilient and non-resilient participants of the study was that the resilient ones were able to maintain an internal locus of control. A person with this quality believes that he or she is in control of their life and their feelings, while someone with an external locus of control would have a tendency to blame outside forces. Resilient people recognize what is under their own control, and then go about changing it.

Learn from Failure

It is instinctual to view failure as a sign of defeat, but teaching yourself to see it as helpful feedback can strengthen your capacity for resilience. Like the muscle groups referenced above, this mindset will not work well when you need it to unless you exercise it daily. If you consciously start to re-frame small setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth, your optimism will come as second nature when true tragedy strikes. A red light is a chance to learn patience. A spilled milkshake means less calories and thinner thighs. Practice daily, and you’ll get the hang of it.

Ask for Help

The Search Institute, a nonprofit organization that focuses on resilience and youth, found that resilient children have the ability to get adults to help them out. Although the fear of appearing weak often stops us from asking for help, even as adults, this research shows that doing so may actually make us stronger. Encouraging your children to ask for help, and setting an example by being willing to ask for assistance yourself, could help them grow into more resilient, successful, and happy adults.

Building your resilience muscles may be difficult at first, but the more you use them, the easier life’s challenges will seem. Try the tips above yourself, and share them with your friends and children. You are never too young or too old to become a stronger, happier human being!

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