connection – I Heart Intelligence.com https://iheartintelligence.com Fri, 02 Aug 2019 12:42:25 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.7.3 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=wp-content/uploads/2019/05/cropped-IHI-square-32x32.png connection – I Heart Intelligence.com https://iheartintelligence.com 32 32 7 common goals of couples headed for a healthy, long-lasting relationship https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=7-common-goals-of-couples-headed-for-a-healthy-long-lasting-relationship/ Fri, 02 Aug 2019 12:41:13 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=49301 The post 7 common goals of couples headed for a healthy, long-lasting relationship appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

7 common goals of couples headed for a healthy, long-lasting relationship

We all have relationship goals, and while you may think they are all obvious, this isn’t always necessarily the case for every couple. In this article, we will look at the goals and stages every relationship needs to go through in order to achieve long-lasting success. You may have experienced some of these in past […]

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The post 7 common goals of couples headed for a healthy, long-lasting relationship appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

7 common goals of couples headed for a healthy, long-lasting relationship

We all have relationship goals, and while you may think they are all obvious, this isn’t always necessarily the case for every couple.

In this article, we will look at the goals and stages every relationship needs to go through in order to achieve long-lasting success.

You may have experienced some of these in past relationships, while some you may not have encountered yet.

Take a look at 7 relationship goals your relationship should be pursuing if it is to be healthy and long-lasting.

1. Infatuation

This is the stage every new couple mostly enjoys and looks forward to – it’s the stomach butterflies and goose pimples stage.

If your heart starts beating faster each time your phone rings and you change outfits three times before you meet your date, you have achieved this goal.

It’s fun, exciting, and full of potential.

2. Discovery and connection

The discovery and connection stage is about giving and taking. It’s about asking yourselves what your life will be like as you move forward in this relationship. You may discover that your wants and needs have shifted over the years, but because you are both committed to making the relationship work, that is not an issue.

Should you happen to achieve this goal, you will learn more about each other than you ever dreamed of.

It’s namely the connection stage that makes couples come together in a closer and more meaningful way. No matter the situation, problem, or event, you find your way to each other and work through your issues together.

You celebrate more and search for the good in things together. At this point, this goal is about sharing life, rather than dominating it.

3. Working as a team

Too many couples become competitors in their own relationship instead of working as a team.

Let your goals become “whatever we face, we will face it together.”

Regardless of the nature of your issues, it is not one or the other person’s fault, it’s a problem you need to combat as a team, always!

4. The importance of intimacy

Couples that are intimate at least once per week report the highest levels of satisfaction in their relationships. If you are both so busy that you’ve come to the point where you have to schedule having sex, do not let the lack of spontaneity deter you in any way. A satisfying and healthy intimate life beyond the usual “honeymoon phase” is a vital relationship goal you simply must achieve in order to strengthen your bond.

5. Prioritize your relationship

Considering our terribly busy lives, it can be easy to put the needs of your relationship in the backseat. However, as with almost anything important in life, time and attention are crucial if you wish for your relationship to last. To strengthen your bond, be sure to make your relationship a priority. You can accomplish this by scheduling ‘couple time’, making sure that both of your needs are taken care of, and by showing appreciation for each other.

6. Always be there for each other

We all need and want to know that there is somebody by our side, who will support and listen to us when we are going through a rough moment in our life.

Researchers have also discovered that believing support is available to you is even more important than the support you actually use.” say J. Markman, S. Stanley, and S. Blumberg in their book Fighting For Your Marriage

You must be that person for your partner. Always be ready to show your support as they go through the hurdles of life.

In such times, you must never argue, give unneeded advice, or pass judgments. Just be supportive!

7. Commit to building a shared future

In a world where mistrust, cheating, and differences of opinion are too common, one crucial relationship goal needs to be committed to for building a shared future.

For a couple to last and remain strong nowadays, parters should be on the same page when it comes down to which direction their life is to take. And while some compromises and flexibility are always important, couples should be able to give each other the stability they need.

As soon as you decide that your relationship is headed towards becoming serious, it’s crucial to make sure that both of you are on the same page when it comes to expectations. Strong couples are not afraid of talking about career, marriage, children, and other important things to factor into their plans. By talking it out early, you won’t run into too many unwanted surprises later on.

Did you find these tips helpful? Share your thoughts with us in the comment section below.

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There’s a New Way To Date and It’s Rather Exclusive https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=inner-circle-dating-app-legit-connection/ Tue, 12 Sep 2017 15:19:40 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=30646 The post There’s a New Way To Date and It’s Rather Exclusive appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

There's a New Way To Date and It's Rather Exclusive

The dating world can feel treacherous, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Get rid of your old dating apps and get ready to try something new. Dating in real life is complicated, so many people turn to technology for some help. No one has the dream of picking up their soul mate in […]

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The post There’s a New Way To Date and It’s Rather Exclusive appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

There's a New Way To Date and It's Rather Exclusive

The dating world can feel treacherous, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Get rid of your old dating apps and get ready to try something new.

Dating in real life is complicated, so many people turn to technology for some help. No one has the dream of picking up their soul mate in a bar, and apparently libraries aren’t as cool a place to meet people as I thought, so we check out dating sites and apps like Tinder.

The problem with apps like those who have millions of users, is that they aren’t selective with who they let join. If you are looking for a random person with who you may or may not have something in common, and who you also have no way of knowing is a real person, then sure- swipe away.

However, if you are looking for a legit connection, with a real person, on the same wavelength as you, then look into Inner Circle.

Michael Krayenhoff, cofounder of The Inner Circle, told Business Insider, “Americans seem to be Tinder-tired and are looking for a more meaningful and less shallow way of connecting with people who are on the same page.”

Inner Circle refers to itself as a “selective dating app,” and that is exactly what they mean. While other dating apps allow anyone (and everyone) to join, this one is different. When you sign up, you must either login with LinkedIn or Facebook (don’t worry, no one else will know you signed up). This is one way of making sure you are an actual human being who is serious about finding a connection, and not a random time-waster. They also request for you to choose a profile picture they can verify. After approximately 24-48 hours, your profile is either approved, or denied.

You might be thinking, “this sounds pretty elitist to me,” and you’re not entirely wrong. As far as dating apps go, this is definitely one of the higher-end ones to consider. However, it is better to look at this as a very selective and thorough app which does all the crappy work you don’t want to do, for you.

“At the end of the day we are looking to create a close network of like-minded, inspiring singles who are kicking ass in their profession,” Krayenhoff previously told Business Insider. “Whether they are from the creative or corporate world, it’s about having that ambition and zest for life. And it’s these qualities that makes The Inner Circle work for our members around the world.”

You can register for Inner Circle free of charge here.

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Why Good Men Cheat (And How To Help Them Stay Faithful) https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=why-men-cheat/ Wed, 17 Aug 2016 07:25:46 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=17539 The post Why Good Men Cheat (And How To Help Them Stay Faithful) appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Why Good Men Cheat (And How To Help Them Stay Faithful)

I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who sincerely wished to fully devote himself to his woman, but was struggling with the challenge of doing so in a world ripe with so much opportunity for connection. This guy was not a bad person, indeed he is one of the kindest people I know, […]

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Why Good Men Cheat (And How To Help Them Stay Faithful)

Why Good Men Cheat (And How To Help Them Stay Faithful)

I recently had a conversation with a dear friend who sincerely wished to fully devote himself to his woman, but was struggling with the challenge of doing so in a world ripe with so much opportunity for connection. This guy was not a bad person, indeed he is one of the kindest people I know, but his ongoing struggle was real and had been a pattern in his relationships for many years.
Buy an “Intelligence is sexy” t-shirt!

Devoted long term monogamous relationships are quite simply the accepted as the norm in this western society, it’s what creates families and order and keeps them together, it’s something that is aspired to and takes hard work to maintain. However it’s not an easy ask for many people.

Some of you may be wondering how a “devoted” man would struggle with such a thing? Well it is possible, and believe it or not devotion and temptation are not mutually exclusive things.

Indeed there are so many good men out there who truly wish to go deeper with the women they have committed to, but find their efforts consistently thwarted by the incredible power of desire and animal attraction.

In this situation I don’t define cheating as just the physical act of sex with someone other than the partner a man has committed to. I define it as any thought, feeling, or behavior that is contradictory to a man’s devotion to his partner, all of this can be defined as a form of emotional betrayal.

Surely there is no harm in looking as long as you don’t physically get involved right?

In reality there is nothing wrong with fantasising, as such, everyone does it occasionally, but if it is an ongoing issue it is something that will forever keep good men away from the experience they most desire…which is real love and intimacy in a wholesome relationship with the women they are truly in love with.
Women Who Are Cheated On Could End Up Better Off In The Long Run

Unlike most women very few men experience their sexuality flowing through their hearts, and this is precisely why even some of the most loving men cheat on their women. I think a lot of this can be blamed on societal upbringing, conditioning and expectations rather than a man’s inherent capability to connect with their hearts, they simply don’t know how to.

Quite simply the overwhelming power of their sexual desire causes them to lust after this woman or that woman, and no matter how hard they try to control this powerful urge, they fail. So until a man’s sexuality is brought into alignment with his heart, he will prefer the excitement of “new” women and “juicy” connections over the woman he loves, when it comes to fulfilling his sexual desire.

Many of the men never actually sleep with a woman other than the one they are committed to, but still avidly, and secretly, check other women out from time to time. They may engage in innocent “connections” with other women, getting high on the “love” between them, and denying any wrongdoing if it was ever brought up. These women are just “friends,” after all.

For many men (and some women) choosing one partner, fully, day in and day out, is no joke. But regardless of how devoted he is to his partner, if he is still fantasising about other women then he has got some deep inner work to do to create union within himself. Through this wholesome devoted relationship he can reconfigure his sexuality so that it is moving though his heart and not wasting his creative energy by lusting after other women.

Women have a major role in doing something to help and support their men in this process. Rather than judging him, punishing him, berating him, or making him feel guilty for being drawn to other women, create a safe space for him to share when he’s feeling drawn, and to explore why it’s happening and listen to him with open ears and an open heart.

A man can’t make it through this incredible challenge without his woman’s support, in fact it’s only through the women that they can really start to overcome this and learn about union through the heart. A woman who is constantly scolding her man for being drawn to other women is shooting herself in the foot and will inevitably drive him away.
Why Relationship Drama Is So Addictive (And How To Manage It)

The next time the man is tempted to betray his devoted relationship, with this form of open communication they can choose to lean a bit further into their female partners instead for support. Yes, it will be difficult, but since when has devotion to anything been easy? With every devotional choice we make, men will want to move closer to their women, to themselves, and to the lives we all really want.

I know it’s not going to be easy for the women folk, and it’s not pleasant to read any of this, but now that it’s out in the open, women can choose to celebrate their men for their admirable commitments and progress in the face of enormous challenge, rather than holding them up to an unreal standard.

Men and women are in this together, and if we are to shift this dynamic into something more pure and more loving moving forward, it’s going to require that both sides show up fully. It’s going to require that both sides make peace with the beast, so that they can work together toward something better.

All we need do is look this monster square in the eye, together, and we can make our way into something new, together. A place where we can all finally enjoy the intimacy we most long for, made possible through our wholehearted devotion to the ones we love most.

Do you or your partner experience extra relationship crushes? How does it affect you? Share your stories with us below…

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Are You Lonely in Your Relationship? https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=lonely-relationship/ Fri, 22 Jul 2016 07:58:41 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=19647 The post Are You Lonely in Your Relationship? appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Are You Lonely in Your Relationship?

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate,” said Germaine Greer. Indeed, there’s something about the presence of another person that can actually intensify the pain of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of other people – rather, it is the absence of […]

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Are You Lonely in Your Relationship?

Are You Lonely in Your Relationship?

“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate,” said Germaine Greer. Indeed, there’s something about the presence of another person that can actually intensify the pain of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of other people – rather, it is the absence of a human connection with them. There is nothing more lonesome than feeling disconnected from someone you love.

When your relationship feels lonely, it can actually have an impact on your physical health. Besides putting us at a greater risk for depression and anxiety, loneliness can weaken our immune systems, increase inflammatory responses, and put us at a greater risk for cardiovascular disease. You can literally die of loneliness. Sadly, the physical death that could result from a growing distance between you and your partner is not even the worst part. The relational and emotional death that loneliness can lead to is a far more painful thing.

The agony of feeling lonely when you are in a committed relationship can be a hard thing for others to understand. After all, most people understand loneliness as a byproduct of being alone. To someone who is alone most of the time, you might sound ungrateful for your partner or even greedy for attention. It can be hard to explain the feeling of losing a connection while still spending plenty of time with the person you once shared that bond with. It doesn’t make sense to miss someone while they are sleeping right next to you – and yet, thousands of people experience this phenomenon every day. Not only is it alienating, but it is deeply sad. Mother Teresa once said “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”

Thankfully, all does not have to be lost. There are lots of ways to reconnect if you are willing to make the first move. It is not an easy thing to do. However, if you can see yourself falling back into mad, deep, meaningful love with your significant other, it just might be worth it. Spend time together. Get away from work, the kids, and the house. Experience a new place. Try a new activity. Have fun. Hold his hand. Forgive her faults. Try to see things from your partner‘s point of view. If you fell in love once, you can do it again. Don’t settle for being lonely when the love of your life is sitting right next to you.

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8 True Traits of a Strong Mom https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=strong-mom/ Thu, 23 Jun 2016 09:08:35 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=19052 The post 8 True Traits of a Strong Mom appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

8 True Traits of a Strong Mom

We’re not talking “Tiger Mom” here, where intense focus is directed at excellence in child performance. Rather, what signs indicate maternal prowess that is, simply put, strong? Buy an “Intelligence is sexy” t-shirt! I confess to bias.  I think  more often than not, “strong Mom” or “strong woman” is, well,  redundant. Still, I’m curious to […]

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8 True Traits of a Strong Mom

8 True Traits of a Strong Mom

We’re not talking “Tiger Mom” here, where intense focus is directed at excellence in child performance. Rather, what signs indicate maternal prowess that is, simply put, strong?
Buy an “Intelligence is sexy” t-shirt!

I confess to bias.  I think  more often than not, “strong Mom” or “strong woman” is, well,  redundant. Still, I’m curious to discover common behaviors that inform parenting-rich with core values. Some maternal influence that cultivates character. So let’s call them  instead, “ mindful Moms”,  present,  far from perfect,  compelled by Mama Love.

1. Mindful Moms have confidence in themselves,

and naturally encourage the unique individual within each child. They resist the urge to mold them to their own expectations or desires. They instill the critical value of honesty.

2 Strongpathy is taught through daily practice of kind and humanistic acts.

 Present Moms understand we are all interconnected and instill the value of compassion.
4 Phrases to Empower Your Child

3. Connection to community cultivates values of altruism, and enhanced individual health.

 A mindful  Mom prioritizes family gatherings, neighborhood events and broader social activities.  

4. Respect is underscored when a mindful Mom insists on healthy personal boundaries.

 She is not intrusive, impulsively driven by her own agenda. She requires her children to communicate needs and respect the needs of others. “The Golden Rule” is a common reference.

5. When life hands out lemons, engaged Moms make lemonade.

Adversity is transcended with optimism, acceptance and gratitude.

6. Secure Moms teach critical thinking.

They practice non-interference and advocate the need to see situations from all sides before creating conclusions. Emotional intelligence and diplomacy enhance their children’s development.

7. Self esteem results from conscious Moms who assign chores.

They equate personal responsibility with self worth. Freedom of choice and true independence is a consequence of personal discipline.
5 Behaviors Strong Women Don’t Tolerate

8. Finally, alert Moms stress the value of education through the power of literacy.

 They role model the joy of learning, the limitless “something new” to try, practice, explore.  Their children benefit from appreciation for diversity and innate joie de vie.  

At the end of the day, isn’t that what we really want? We want our children to be happy, to live happy, gratifying lives, and to aspire to leave the world a smidge better place…for their children…and their children…..and so on.

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Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=toxic-relationships/ Thu, 09 Jun 2016 13:09:43 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=18601 The post Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships

I don’t like to brag, but over decades of personal research I have become somewhat of an expert on bad relationships. Although I am in a happy marriage now, I can definitely check each one of these off my list of ex-lovers. Some true winners even fit into more than one category. Here, for your […]

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Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships

Six Kinds of Toxic Relationships

I don’t like to brag, but over decades of personal research I have become somewhat of an expert on bad relationships. Although I am in a happy marriage now, I can definitely check each one of these off my list of ex-lovers. Some true winners even fit into more than one category.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are six kinds of toxic relationships. I’m sure there are more, but I am only one woman.

The One-Sided Love Affair

Ah, unrequited love – fuel for poetry, music, and bad relationships everywhere. One person is desperate to make it work, clinging to their deeply held personal image of a connection that does not exist in reality. The other person may seem cruel, cold, and callous – but more likely they are just clueless and uninterested. It doesn’t really matter, because whatever their reasons, their partner is going to end up heartbroken when they wake up to the fact that they’re in it alone. If you are the taker in a relationship like this, the kind thing to do is to let them down gently. If you are the giver, as hard as it is, you need to stop giving right now. Either the object of your affection will miss you and start giving you the attention and care that you deserve, or, more likely, they will disappear and leave you free to pursue someone who will reciprocate your affections. Either way, you win.

The Idolized Infatuate

Do you put your partner up on a pedestal? It might be time to let them down, or let them loose. Idealizing your partner gives you unrealistic expectations of the relationship, and does not give them the freedom to be human. The pressure to be perfect can be suffocating, and it may be keeping your partner from opening up to you about their fears and insecurities – the very things that they need you to be there through. Let your significant other know that you embrace their flaws, and they will be more inclined to share them with you. This will allow you to connect on a much deeper level and build a more sincere and trusting relationship.

The Unforgiving Union

We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Failing to forgive breeds distrust, resentment, the inclination to punish, and a good reason to lie – quickly pushing you into one of the categories below. If your partner has done something truly unforgivable, you need to end the relationship. If it’s something you can get past, however, you need to make a sincere effort to work through the problem – don’t hold onto it just to hold it over their head later.

The Distrustful Duo

If you do not trust your partner, you will spend the entirety of your relationship feeling scared and insecure. If you do not have your partner’s trust, you will be forever walking on eggshells, never feeling good enough or strong enough. Either way, the relationship is doomed unless you learn to build some trust. If you can do that, your love will be built on a firm foundation of security and solidarity, and your home will feel peaceful and emotionally safe. Everyone needs a person to fall into once in awhile and you need to be sure that your partner is willing and able to catch you when that moment inevitably comes.

The Punishing Pair

You should never be scared of your significant other. If your relationship includes any kind of punitive behavior, it is time to get out of it. This includes physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, as well as less harmful behaviors that indicate the intent to penalize your partner for their conduct. These can include finding ways to “get back at” them, withholding affection as a means of control, or spending money excessively out of spite. If you are intentionally hurting one another, you are not working through your problems constructively and acting as a team. It may feel therapeutic, but punishing your significant other can damage your relationship beyond repair.

The Lying Lovers

If you are lying to your partner, then you are not only making it impossible for them to trust you – you are also putting up a wall. Partners who keep big secrets from one another are not able to connect on a truly deep level, because they can never know who their significant other really is. A need to hide the truth also indicates that you are engaging in behavior your partner would find unacceptable. If you value your connection, you have no choice but to come clean. Let your guard down, and tell your partner who you truly are. Your lover might surprise you and stick around to build a more honest and open connection. If they run, they were never meant for you anyway.

If any of these apply to you, you have two choices: fix it, or RUN. Either way, I wish you the best of luck in reaching your happy ending!

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One thing that is Ruining Your Relationships Before they Even Begin https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=ruining-relationships-before-begin/ Tue, 26 Apr 2016 10:00:49 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=17019 The post One thing that is Ruining Your Relationships Before they Even Begin appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

One thing that is Ruining Your Relationships Before they Even Begin

It is always kind of surprising and flattering when someone comes to me for relationship advice. Surprising on one hand because I am 34-year-old, never-married, consummate bachelor. Flattering because there are people that realize that I am single for a reason: I understand relationships way too well to want to be in a bad one […]

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One thing that is Ruining Your Relationships Before they Even Begin

One thing that is Ruining Your Relationships Before they Even Begin

It is always kind of surprising and flattering when someone comes to me for relationship advice. Surprising on one hand because I am 34-year-old, never-married, consummate bachelor. Flattering because there are people that realize that I am single for a reason: I understand relationships way too well to want to be in a bad one just for the sake of not being single. The most recent conversation that I had about relationship struggles was centered around a fellow bachelor who was trying to figure out why his relationships started out hot and heavy and inevitably sputtered out like a campfire in a mudslide.

I asked him how long he waited to have sex when he started dating someone. He cocked an eyebrow and said, “sometimes not at all.” “There is your problem,” I said. “Sex is ruining your relationships before they even start.” To prove my point, I elaborated on the main reasons that jumping in the sack with someone can tank a relationship before it even begins:

Sex Creates a False Sense of Connection

A funny thing happens to the human mind when we have sex. Our brains get flooded with all sorts of fun-time chemicals like dopamine when we have an orgasm. One of these fun-time chemicals is a little hormone called oxytocin, or the “snuggle hormone” as some doctors call it. Oxytocin makes us feel close to someone and can create a false sense of connection.

Oxytocin and it’s results are not gender-specific, so you never know who is going to get the “connection bug”. Basically, sex can trick us into thinking that we really like someone, when in reality, we hardly know them. That whole brain chemical release can lead to the next problem…

Sex Comes with Unspoken Expectations

When you create false connections, you can create false expectations. It’s easy for people to think that just because you’ve been naked together that naturally you are going to progress to the next level. Unfortunately, expectations and intentions are two different things. Commonly, it is perceived that men just try to get women in bed with them with no intentions at a relationship, but honestly – it goes both ways. When you have two people with different intentions, be prepared for some form of fallout. When it comes to sex and relationships, there is a reason there is a process:
The Most Common Relationship Mistake People Make, and Why it Ruins Them

Relationships have a Pattern for a Reason

Now, I won’t sit here and say that just because you get physical with someone quickly that there is no chance for a fruitful relationship. I will, however say that the chances are slim. Relationships progress the way that they do for a reason: as you open up to someone and get to know them, the connection that you share gets deeper. It’s like walking into a pool to see how deep it is as opposed to just diving in head-first and hoping that it’s not shallow. Sex gets better as a relationship progresses, not the other way around. Sure, there is such a thing as magnetic chemistry between two people.

That being said, just becasue you want to sleep with someone doesn’t mean that you need to do it right this second. You’ll find that building a bond with someone before sex only makes the sex that much better when the timing is right.

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Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It). https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=afraid-intimacy/ Tue, 12 Apr 2016 09:29:30 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=16640 The post Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It). appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It).

It was only recently as I embarked upon a new relationship that I realised actually how terrified of intimacy I really am. It was an incredible revelation to me. I had been quietly yearning for a beautiful and nourishing relationship for quite a while, but as soon as it arrived I wanted to go running and screaming for the […]

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The post Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It). appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It).

Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It).

It was only recently as I embarked upon a new relationship that I realised actually how terrified of intimacy I really am. It was an incredible revelation to me. I had been quietly yearning for a beautiful and nourishing relationship for quite a while, but as soon as it arrived I wanted to go running and screaming for the hills. Then I realised that all of us have a desire for intimacy deep in our heart and soul, but if you fear it, despite your best efforts, probably do everything you can to push it away. Over and over, you find yourself getting stuck in a game of tug-of-war: “Come close, go away.” It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the ultimate act of self-sabotage.

But why? Why would you be afraid of something you so deeply want and yearn for? After all you want to be deeply seen, understood, and truly known right? You yearn for the delicious joy of connection, for the exquisite flow of love that occurs between two open hearts that profoundly “get” each other. There is nothing more blissful and enlivening than intimacy. On the other hand, there may not be anything scarier either.

I truly believe this fear is largely shaped by our childhood and upbringing. Take a minute to think about when you were growing up, the times you felt very close to someone — a parent, a sibling, a friend.

  • Did something (or things) happen that hurt you?
  • Did the person you loved reject you with anger, judgments, criticism, or withdrawal?
  • Did the person leave you or die?
  • Was the person you loved controlling, engulfing, or smothering?
  • Did you have to give yourself up to keep them?
  • Is your fear the fear of losing another person you love, or of losing yourself in a close relationship?

As a child, you may not have received any guidance on how to lovingly or healthily manage rejection and engulfment from your parents or caregivers. But it’s never too late to learn.

All of those fears are substantial enough to potentially make you freeze you as soon as you experience romantic connection. The feelings that come up are something that you cannot control or avoid, but you can do things to help overcome them before you sabotage too many wonderful relationships.

A fear of intimacy is not the actual issue here; It’s the fear of an insurmountable loss.

If you don’t truly believe yourself capable of recovering after the loss of a loved one, you become very vulnerable to losing yourself. And that is terrifying enough. Avoidance of intimacy might seem like the wisest way to minimize the risk of getting hurt, the temptation to crawl back under your lonely rock and hide seems a much easier option. But when you do that, an even deeper heartache results. Intimacy is one of the most beautiful soul deepening experiences in life.

Becoming strong enough to love means becoming strong enough to lose love — and to know that you will be okay.

So, how do you develop this strong self? This version of you who knows, without a doubt that you’re capable of surviving loss and rejection? This happens, naturally, as you take steps toward learning to love yourself.

These six steps can help guide you through that process

1. Allow yourself to feel the pain.

Feelings are informational, letting us know whether we are loving ourselves or abandoning ourselves, or if others are being loving or controlling.

There are some physical things you can do to tune in with your feelings. Start with mindfully following your breath to get present in your body, and compassionately embracing all feelings. That way you can move toward your feelings rather than away from them with various forms of self-abandonment, such as staying focused in your head, judging yourself, turning to addictions to numb out, or making someone else responsible for your feelings.

2. Learn from those feelings and take responsibility for them.

In inner bonding, there are only two possible intentions in any given moment:

-To protect against pain, avoiding responsibility for it, through various forms of addictive and controlling behavior.

-To learn about what you’re doing or thinking that may be causing your pain — or what may be happening between you and another person or situation — so that you can move into taking loving action on your own behalf.

Invite the loving presence of your higher self into your heart, and consciously open to learning about loving yourself

3. Learn about your false beliefs.

Step three is a deep and compassionate process of exploration — of learning about your beliefs and behavior, and about what is happening with a person or situation that may be causing your pain.

Ask your feeling self — your inner child — “What am I thinking or doing that’s causing the painful feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, jealousy, anger, loneliness, or emptiness?” Allow the answer to come from inside — from your feelings.

Once you understand what you’re thinking or doing that’s causing these feelings, then you explore with your ego-wounded self to understand the fears and false beliefs leading to the self-abandoning thoughts and actions.

If you feel lonely, heartbroken, or triggered over someone, ask yourself what is happening between you and another person that is causing these painful feelings.

4. Start a dialogue with your higher self.

It isn’t as hard to connect with your higher guidance as you may think. The key is to be open to learning about loving yourself. The answers may come immediately or over time. They may come in words or images or in dreams. Listen to your thoughts and intuition, when your heart is open to learning, the answers will come.

5. Take the loving action learned in step four.

You’ve opened up to your pain, moved into learning, started a dialogue with your feelings, and tapped into your spiritual guidance. In step five, you take the loving action that, over time, heals the shame, anxiety, and depression that have been the result of your self-abandonment.

Sometimes people think of “loving yourself” as a feeling you have to conjure up. A good way to look at loving yourself is by emphasizing the action, “What can I DO to love myself?” rather than “How can I FEEL love for myself?”

6. Evaluate your action.

Once you take the loving action, you check in to see if your pain, anger, and shame are getting healed. If not, you go back through the steps until you discover the truth and loving actions that bring you peace, joy, and a deep sense of intrinsic worth.

Over time, you will discover that loving yourself improves everything in your life — your relationships, your health and well-being, your ability to manifest your dreams, and your self-esteem. Loving and connecting with yourself is the key to being able to love and connect with others and create loving relationships.

Loving yourself is what enables you to raise your frequency and co-create with spirit. Loving yourself is the key to creating a passionate, fulfilled, and joyful life.

When you heal your relationship with yourself and become strong enough to give and receive love, you will experience the incredible joy of intimacy.

Once you’ve completed this process, you’ll no longer be crippled by fear of rejection or engulfment. Self-love creates the emotional safety net you need to keep your heart open to love and intimacy — even when it’s scary.

Do you have a fear of intimacy or do you know someone who does? How has it affected your life? Please share your stories below.

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Tha Amazing Power of Holding Hands https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=holding-hands/ Wed, 10 Feb 2016 14:55:07 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=15634 The post Tha Amazing Power of Holding Hands appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Tha Amazing Power of Holding Hands

I think it is funny that there are little things that we do every single day that have huge impacts on us that we don’t even think about. For instance, the simple act of holding someone’s hand can have a profound effect on your mind and body that most people don’t even give a second […]

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The post Tha Amazing Power of Holding Hands appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Tha Amazing Power of Holding Hands

Tha Amazing Power of Holding Hands

I think it is funny that there are little things that we do every single day that have huge impacts on us that we don’t even think about. For instance, the simple act of holding someone’s hand can have a profound effect on your mind and body that most people don’t even give a second thought to. Think about it: we all remember back in our childhood the first time that special boy or girl held our hand on the playground. Or as awkward teenagers holding hands in a movie theater.

Walking with our parents, reaching out for their hand for security. Holding hands is innocently intimate and powerfully therapeutic. Our hands are our tactile connection to the world and are connected to our brains with one of the highest concentrations of nerve endings in the body. Therefore, there is a lot more to a simple grasping of another person’s hand than we often give credit to.

Reduces Stress

Research has shown that holding someone’s hand reduces the stress hormone, cortisol. What’s more interesting about this is that when cortisol levels are highest, our skin actually gets more sensitive, so the healing touch of another person’s hand is most effective when stress levels are highest. It’s almost like our bodies have a built in off-switch for cortisol. This reduction of cortisol is beneficial for the heart, circulatory system, and brain. Essentially, holding hands can make you healthier.
Read: The Amazing Neuroscience of Drummers

Increases Security

If you and a friend are walking in the woods alone at night and you hear a noise that startles you, what is the first thing your reach for? Each other’s hand’s right? I used to think this was just a conditioned response from childhood from our parents always holding our hands any time there was a dangerous situation, but it turns out that it is basic human nature. It could be a response to the reduction of cortisol as well, but there is just something comforting about holding someone’s hand when stuff gets scary.
Read: 20 Amazing Facts To Blow Your Mind.

Enhances Emotional Connections

Just like holding hands reduces cortisol, it increases oxytocin levels in the brain. Oxytocin is known as the “cuddle hormone” because it gives us a sense of connection and bonding. Oxytocin is also responsible for a lot of the most basic component of love in the brain, so it’s pretty important to have as much of it flowing through your brain as possible.

Reduces Pain

A natural human reaction to intense pain is to squeeze your hands together in a fist. When you add in the natural security and bonding components of hand-holding, there is a natural pain reduction effect. Like a husband gripping his wife’s hand during childbirth. The combination of bonding, stress relief, and security is a time-proven pain reducer.

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Imagine a World Run by Hippies, not by Politicians https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=hippies-not-politicians/ Mon, 18 Jan 2016 14:35:15 +0000 https://www.jlawjdv.nl/?man=?p=14921 The post Imagine a World Run by Hippies, not by Politicians appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Imagine a World Run by Hippies, not by Politicians

The definition of a hippie from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is: “a usually young person who rejects established social customs (such as by dressing in an unusual way or living in a commune) and who opposes violence and war; especially: a young person of this kind in the 1960s and 1970s”. So, why is it that […]

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The post Imagine a World Run by Hippies, not by Politicians appeared first on I Heart Intelligence.com.

Imagine a World Run by Hippies, not by Politicians

Imagine a World Run by Hippies, not by Politicians

The definition of a hippie from the Merriam-Webster dictionary is: “a usually young person who rejects established social customs (such as by dressing in an unusual way or living in a commune) and who opposes violence and war; especially: a young person of this kind in the 1960s and 1970s”. So, why is it that the word “hippie” sometimes carries a negative connotation? Is it so bad to stand out against the establishment? Or to want peace? If you think of the people that are referred to as “hippies” it usually has to do with a political stance, and I still don’t see what’s wrong with being a hippie.

Imagine if hippies ran the world. I think at heart, we are all hippies in our own way. I personally think the world would be a different place if hippies ran things, here is why:

Focus on Spirituality on Creativity

There is religious turmoil on almost every continent of the planet, some of which is sanctioned and sponsored by the governments of the very countries that are being torn apart. Now imagine if hippies ran the world and people focused on spirituality in general, instead of focusing on whatever specific beliefs the ruling government believed in. When have you ever heard of a hippie discriminating against anyone for anything, let alone religious differences.

Take Care of the Planet

One major aspect of what people consider to a hippie is a person who cares about the planet. Again, what is wrong with that? We only have one planet, what is the problem with wanting to protect it? There is no mystery surrounding the connection between the corporations that are the most destructive to the planet and political interests. Do you think a hippie is going to let a coal company destroy an area of land just for fossil fuels?

Not Afraid to Stand Up and Say What They Think

One thing hippies are known for is protesting. Everything about being a hippie is, in essence, a protest. If something is going on that they don’t like, they stand up, hold up a sign, and let the world know about it in an expression on non-violent activism. Politicians use deceit and power to hide corruption and nefarious activities. Hippies let you know what is going on, how they feel about it, and what needs to be done.

Take Care of People

Hippies take care of people, plain and simple. They take care of one another and treat humans as a part of a species, not an agenda. Hippies don’t care about gender, race, or creed – they just care about helping, loving, and caring for their fellow man. Imagine what hippies could do with all of the money that politicians waste if they could put it towards caring for their fellow man.

Money Doesn’t Matter

In the end, I think the major difference between a world run by hippies versus a world run by politicians would be the emphasis on wealth. Take human greed out of the equation and we are all hippies. When you focus on things like being yourself, living a life you love, taking care of each other and the planet and all of the other things that make a hippie a hippie – all of the sudden money is no longer a motivator.

Related: Real World Struggles of Dreamers

All of the sudden, a world run by hippies doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. It sounds like something we should strive for.

Imagine a world where we all let our inner hippie flags fly, and just lived life to be a good person, took care of the planet, and weren’t motivated by greed.

Related: 4 Struggles of Creative People in an Uncreative World

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